Today we went out into the woods and did a short circuit as dad was walking pretty slow and taking his time, I guess he's still tired. He also took a lead with him, which he hasn't done for many years as he doesn't get lost anymore and never usually goes far. He let me off the lead once in the trees and I had a great time just mooching about.
I'm not fully myself yet and that'll probably take a week or so to get there. I've lost my house training and woke mum at 4am with a living room that needed mopping and poop that needed scooping. I will find a corner to wee in, if no one notices that I need the toilet. But the mop and bucket never seem far away.
I want to follow dad upstairs, but they look like a mountain, so I'll stay downstairs for now. I like being outside and watching people go by and the strange thing is I don't give anyone my biggest barking, woofing and bouncing around type of hello as they pass just yet either - not even the postman! This is all typical of the after effects of a cluster of seizures and once I go up the stairs everyone knows that I'm back to myself.
Even with not being myself 100% I'm still a million times better than I've been all this week and that's worth being very, very happy about.
Idiopathic* Epilepsy is a debilitating and evil infliction. There's no rhyme or reason, it just is, and does what it likes at any time it seems. There's no trigger we can identify for it, unlike some forms where flashing lights or colours can trigger a seizure. So we just deal with it as and when. The horrible reality is that we'll never know how far is too far or how many is too many. This past week was again evidence that even in the darkest times there can be light at the end of the tunnel - which I have to smile about as I recently read "That light at the end of a tunnel is an approaching train".
It's understandable why some would have given in way before we have. It's a terrible burden and strain on everyone involved, emotionally, physically and psychologically... and sadly financially. But the worst part is the guilt. Not knowing if by not taking the tough decision you're making the wrong choice, or if by making it you'll have made it too early. It's just so very cruel.
So once more we just deal the hand that's dealt and smile and be happy for the good times we've had and the good times we're still yet to have.
* Idiopathic is an adjective used primarily in medicine meaning arising spontaneously or from an obscure or unknown cause.
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